


It's Robot Fightin’ Time

by godtiermeme



Category: Battlebots - Fandom, Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human/Troll Society (Homestuck), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Battlebots, Comedy, Extreme stupidity, F/F, Gen, Humor, M/M, robot fighting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-20 16:24:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19995184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/godtiermeme/pseuds/godtiermeme
Summary: Welcome to Skaia Smash, America'snumbeeeeeer oooonerobot combat show! Televised in over two countries worldwide, and home of some of the most vaguely decent battle-ready robots the world has ever seen. Sparks will fly, cogs will crack, and gears will grind in this wild show of youthful engineering prowess! Get ready to see romance bloom in midst of sweat, blood, and flaming battery fluid!





	1. Setting the Brackets

**Author's Note:**

> WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME TO HELL! WELCOME TO HELL! the intro chapter is just going to be kinda of an overview of the teams and their robots with some exposition sprinkled in. yes. an OOC andrew hussie is the announcer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all of these robots are based on real life counterparts. dirk and dave's robot [sahelanthropussy] is based on [_THE_ Tombstone](https://battlebots.fandom.com/wiki/Tombstone). rose and roxy's robot [yaldabaoth] is based on the adorable as fuck [Tentomushi](https://battlebots.fandom.com/wiki/Tentoumushi). karkat and kanaya's robot is based on one of my favorites, [Minotaur](https://battlebots.fandom.com/wiki/Minotaur_\(Brazil\))! terezi and vriska's weird little thing [justice] is based on [Double Jeopardy](https://battlebots.fandom.com/wiki/Double_Jeopardy). jane and jade's [spacefriend] is based off of [Rainbow](https://battlebots.fandom.com/wiki/Rainbow). john and jake's bot [potato cannon] is based on [Daisy](https://battlebots.fandom.com/wiki/Daisy). believe it or not, gamzee's robot [miracles] is real, based on [401(k)](https://battlebots.fandom.com/wiki/401\(k\)).

Dirk and Dave Strider form the **BATTLEBROS** team. They're the reigning champions of the Skaia Smash arena, and they're bringing back their beloved crowd favorite robot, the **SAHELANTHROPUSSY** , for another round of brutal, electronics-based combat. These brothers are ready to rumble, and they're not going to take shit from anyone! Their robot is a lean, mean, killing machine! Okay, maybe not exactly lean, but it's pretty fucking mean.

ROBOT NAME: Sahelanthropussy  
CLASSIFICATION: Heavyweight  
PRIMARY WEAPON: High-powered horizontal bar spinner  
STRONG POINT: Offense and weapon reach  
WEAKNESS: Minimal armor, no defense  
SPONSORS: Ace Electronics, BigAss Sunglasses, Dairy Queen, Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff Foundation

Sahelanthropussy is a low-to-the-ground, solid robot, with few exposed parts and a rectangular box around its hella important components. A kick-ass drive engine and strong motor spin the cut-out horizontal beam at speeds of 400 miles per hour! It's a one-hit-wonder. Once it gives you that kiss of death, your ass is gonna’ be finely cut grass.

* * *

The next team in for the running is the indomitable **SAW SISTERS** , comprised of Rose and Roxy Lalonde! The long-time champs were only recently beaten by the Battlebros, and they're raring for some good, old-fashioned revenge. Don't let their innocent facades fool you, they're in this for blood. Their bot, **YALDABAOTH** , is as adorable as it is deadly. These girls are ready to rumble, and they're not about to show _any_ mercy.

ROBOT NAME: Yaldabaoth  
CLASSIFICATION: Lightweight  
PRIMARY WEAPON: Interchangeable; Rotary saw or compact vertical drum spinner  
SECONDARY WEAPON: Adorable kevlar sandbox to trap competitors  
STRONG POINT: Unique design, Weapon power, Compact size  
WEAKNESS: Maneuverability, Offensive capabilities, Lacks self-righting mechanism  
SPONSORS: Ace Electronics, Barnes and Noble, Bazooka Bananas, Occult Jam Stores of America

Yaldabaoth is actually a small robot with a forward-facing weapon. Depending on the situation, it can be a rotary saw or a powerful little drum spinner. Most of the damage comes from knocking opponents around in our _adorable_ little Squiddle-shaped sandbox, made of kevlar, which is rigged to come down when the robot hits its target. It's cute as hell, right? It's pink, because we think that's cute. We are not accepting any commentary on our design.

* * *

Another contender is a newcomer to the arena! **MATRIORB** is a fresh team to Skaia Smash, backed by the troll best friend duo of Karkat Vantas and Kanaya Maryam. Though this is the first time they've been at Skaia Smash, they've racked up an impressive number of robotic murders in the past. Their victories include wins at the 2016 Pumpkin Punks tournament, the 2018 Las Vegas Championship robot brackets, and the 2018 Asshole Awards arena! They bring with them the **RAGING MIDDLE FINGER** , an exceedingly strong little thing.

ROBOT NAME: Raging Middle Finger  
CLASSIFICATION: Middleweight  
PRIMARY WEAPON: Vertical drum spinner  
STRONG POINT: Extremely powerful  
WEAKNESS: Low defense, Maybe a little too strong  
SPONSORS: Ace Electronics, [The government of] Brazil, Supreme Fuckers RC Co.

This robot is going to fuck you up so hard your puny little think pan won't be able to tell your refuse chute from your gaping jabberyaw. Our motor spins up to fuck-you miles per hour, and our best defensive strategy is none of your goddamned business. Stop interviewing me.

* * *

With their unique one-shot cannon robot, **JUSTICE** is the fan favorite team, **SCOURGE SISTERS**! Vriska Serket and Terezi Pyrope have never technically won a round, except for one instance wherein their opponent self-destructed for unknown reasons, but they keep coming back. We don't understand, either.

ROBOT NAME: Justice  
CLASSIFICATION: Heavyweight  
PRIMARY WEAPON: One-shot cannon  
STRONG POINT: Unique  
WEAKNESS: It sucks  
SPONSORS: The Supreme Court of the United States of America, Terezi Pyrope, Vriska Serket

We're just here to show off how cool the colors red and teal are when you put them together. Don't at me.

* * *

**SPACEFRIEND** is a unique, chevron-shaped robot, with a decent horizontal spinner. It packs a punch, even if it's not the most powerful in the competition. Keep an eye out for this brightly colored little gem, the brainchild of the **CAKE BATTERS**. A cousin duo of Jade Harley and Jane Crocker, this fun-filled weapon isn't one to underestimate.

ROBOT NAME: SpaceFriend  
CLASSIFICATION: Heavyweight  
PRIMARY WEAPON: Horizontal spinner  
STRONG POINT: Speed and maneuverability  
WEAKNESS: Lack of power, Clearly poisonous coloring  
SPONSORS: ASPCA, Betty Crocker, Furries of America, NASA

It's colorful! It's fun! It's an amazing little SpaceFriend! Don't think that it's just here to be nice, though! We can really put on a show. ;)

* * *

The **EGGBURNS** team is staffed by cousins John Egbert and Jake English. They're regulars to the competition, but they also sort of suck. They've never come close to winning, but at least they have fun, right? **POTATO CANNON** is neither a potato, nor a cannon, but that's what they've named their bot. Why? No one knows.

ROBOT NAME: Potato Cannon  
CLASSIFICATION: Lightweight  
PRIMARY WEAPON: Horizontal disk spinner  
STRONG POINT: Looks cute  
WEAKNESS: Everything else  
SPONSORS: Planter's Peanuts

A little blue dude, with a saw inside a box. We're here to kick butt and have fun, but mostly to have fun! Sometimes, it catches on fire. We don't know why.

* * *

Finally, we have the only solo team, Gamzee Makara, piloting the inexplicably terrible **MIRACLES** , literally a remote-controlled Roomba with a knife. Why someone though this would ever be an acceptable idea is beyond our understanding. We're equally baffled as to why this was accepted into the competition. Fuck this shit.

ROBOT NAME: Miracles  
CLASSIFICATION: Lightweight  
PRIMARY WEAPON: Knife  
STRONG POINT: None  
WEAKNESS: Everything  
SPONSORS: Literally no one wanted to sponsor this bullshit

While we reached out for a creator's comment on this robot, we received nothing except for the sound of thirteen bicycle horns going off at once.


	2. Team Battlebros

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the links for the robot names lead to the relevant matching real world robot. anything typed like this is announcer text.

“Hey there, hot stuff, what'cha doin’?” Like a woman in a wet toga at the center of a renaissance painting, Dave Strider drapes himself over a nearby folding chair. He stretches his arm above his head, holding a disassembled weapon servo. “Why bother improving, we're already the best. I mean, what can beat something as amazing as Sahelanthropussy?”

Dirk has his pointed anime shades pushed up, so that they rest in his hair. Freckled, tan skin glistens with sweat, and a screwdriver is held between his teeth. After removing this obstruction, he responds, “Don't say the name of the robot, it's bad luck.”

“Isn't that Macbeth?” Dave pops open a can of soda. Red eyes peer over the rims of absurd aviator style shades. “Whatever. What's up with the angry troll asshole over there? His pissy aura is throwing off my zen personality.”

“Your personality is about as zen as committing repeated vehicular manslaughter,” Dirk mumbles. “I don't know. Why don't you just stand up, and just walk on over there? What is there preventing you from doing this simplistic action? Nothing! Please, by all means, do so, and let me work on this robot.”

Dave shrugs. He sets aside his soda and picks up a lollipop, which he immediately and loudly pops into his mouth. “Piss out.”

“Don't you mean peace?” Dirk looks up, only to find that the other half of his team has already departed.

Meanwhile, across the room, Dave peers over the large plastic divider around the reclusive new team. He studies their robot, a damn small little thing, and their silver drum. The body of the bot is a deep, vivid jade green. Strips of thick metal protect the wheels, and the top bears a stencil of exactly what it says on the package—a middle finger. “Hey.”

The male troll yelps, hurling a wrench into the air.

The female troll handily catches it. “Ah. You're one of the Striders, of the Battlebros, correct? Are you here to study our robot?”

“No, I'm here to tell your buddy to chill his alien tits. You're harshing my mellow.” Dave speaks in perfect deadpan, with a look to match. “Cool robot. Pretty small. You afraid of us?” He leans over, a bit too far, and tumbles over the divider. He lands on his ass, and, without breaking character, says, flatly, “Boo.”

“It's a real fucking shame that didn't kill you,” the male troll growls.

The female shakes her head. “Now, Karkat, that's quite rude. I'm Kanaya.” She extends her hand out.

Dave shakes it carefully, avoiding the claws. “Nice to meet'cha, dude. Fresh meat in the arena.”

“Shouldn't you be fucking around with your brother?” Karkat folds his arms across his chest. “I'm calling the event security, and I'll tell them you're viciously harassing me with the pure, inane drivel, which flows so freely from your gibbering windhole. Fuck you.”

“Here's a new idea: you don't do that, and we become the absolute bestest of buds. The whole arena is gonna’ be like, ‘Wow, bro, hot shit, these boys? They're just the best of friends. Absolute pals. Amazing. Wonderful. Never shut up about each other, they're just the epitome of friendship goals.’”

“How about I take my claws and shove them down your throat, until your weak, soft skin gives way, and you die a merciful death?”

By this point, Kanaya has given up on trying to reel in her friend's commentary. She's put on noise-cancelling headphones, and is working on screwing on some protective plating.

Karkat, meanwhile, seethes. He opens his mouth, and fire comes flying out. “I want to see about as much as you as I want to see the business end of a goddamned nuclear missile launcher. You're an absolute pinhead, a blight upon this godforsaken planet. Every time I see you open your mouth—OH DON'T YOU DARE INTERRUPT ME, DAVE STRIDER—I want to personally wring all life out of my body, so I no longer have to suffer through the unbearable misery of being in your general vicinity.”

After a slow, purposeful blink, Dave nods. “Wow. That sounded real smart.”

“I will _personally_ , and with my bare goddamned hands, shove your head into this thirty pound drum spinner.”

Dave leans against the divider, smirking. “Wow. That sounds kinky.”

“FUCK! YOU!” Karkat throws the bundle of bolts in his hand on the floor, turns, and promptly slips on the spilled metal pieces. He falls, only to immediately pop back up, dust himself off, and skitter away, horns blushing vivid red.

Kanaya, in the meantime, looks to Dave. “Rose says that she is related to you, and I simply cannot bear the thought of that. This is horrible.”

* * *

“Welcome to the first round of the Skaia Smash qualifying rounds! We've got a real show-stopper for you tonight! In the red square, we have Team Kevlar Condom's amazingly shitty robot, [Crash Course](https://battlebots.fandom.com/wiki/Stewbot)! This thing is literally just an R.C. car with a box of LEGO bricks on the back, and it's going against the tournament champion, so let's just take a fucking whack at who's going to win! Oh. Shit. Fuck. I can't curse on public television. This entire introduction is going to be getting absolutely eviscerated by the editing department, isn't it? Hey, HEY ABC!!! FUCK YOU!”

From their place, in the left hand controller cutaway, set into the bulletproof glass arena, Dirk looks at the competition. Two men, both looking equally jazzed to be at the most R-rated robot competition in America, stand in the other box. One is short, with short golden hair; the other, much taller, has long black hair, pulled into a ponytail. The robot is, true to the announcement, just a remote control model of the Bigfoot monster truck, pulling a LEGO trailer.

Dave, meanwhile, sprints around the arena, waving his hands and hyping up the crowd, much like a professional wrestler. “WHO'S GONNA WIN!?” Dave thunders.

“SAHELANTHROPUSSY!” the crowd chants, ravenous. They're here for robotic blood. Oil, electro-guts, and glory.

“WHO'S GONNA WIN!?” Dave repeats.

The crowd goes absolutely apeshit, almost resembling an ebbing ocean of rabid, nerdy coyotes.

“Hey there,” the taller man waves at Dirk, smiling. “Hit the trailer first. It'll look really great!”

The shorter man nods eagerly. “Yeah! Make it rain plastic!”

One hand clutches the controller for Sahelanthropussy, while Dirk's other hand slides down his face. He didn't sign up for fighting _this_ , but, if he must, he will.

Just around now, Dave returns to the cutaway control section. He elbows his brother in the ribs, smirking. “Look at these dweebs.”

“I hate my life.”

“LET'S GET READY TO _RUUUUMBLE_!!! Are you ready to see some robots engaging in the worst type of fucking ever!? Three! Two! One! FIGHT!”

Lights flash, strange electronic sirens blare, while small, durable filming drones zip around the arena, taking footage of the match. All the while, the freaky brunette announcer gives a play-by-play account of what's happening. Everyone involved is passionate about this, but the announcer might just be a bit _too_ passionate.

“We've got a classic box rush, here, folks! Sahelanthropussy is going straight for the glory! Straight for the carnage! And WE HAVE IMPACT! Look at those LEGO bricks! Just falling from the sky, like sweet, sweet rain upon the blighted drought-ridden dessert. If only we had some fake blood packets, it would just be gorgeous. Amazing! Fantastic! Bless this metal hellscape with the lives of the fallen! Oh! There goes the R.C. car's battery pack. The judges should maybe duck. I'm just kidding. This thing is five layers of bulletproof glass. Nice driving from Crash Course, though. They're managing to avoid Sahelanthropussy for a while.”

“Who the _fuck_ is this announcer?” Dirk mumbles.

Dave shrugs. By now, they've caught up with the remote controlled vehicle. Their blade has ripped it practically in half, and wires litter the metal flooring like worms after rain. “Some asshole, I guess. His name tag says Andrew Hussie.”

“What a dumbass.” Dirk scoffs. As the ten second countdown begins, and with Crash Course clearly showing no movement, he spins his bot around in celebration.

An airhorn goes off, and, predictably, the Battlebros are declared the champions of this match.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, we have a cameo appearance from ling yao and alphonse elric.


End file.
